There’s a lot in the world I get sad about,(and yes, I use to word “sad” so i don’t have to use the D-word). One of them is people’s lack of understanding on how internalised racism works. No, it doesn’t always have to be about a “race thing” all the time, but this “race thing” has been around for so long, that getting rid of it so you can avoid the guilt trip is something I can not let slide so easy.
People have comment multiple times on how I seem to always be dating white people, to this I always come back with:
“No, I’ve dated plenty of coloured people“- which is true but since I’m calling myself out on my own internalised racism, this is the equivalent of:
“Omg no, my brother’s, neighbour’s, uncle is black“.
This is what society have done to me.
My internalised racism has stopped me from pursuing relationships with people of colour (POC) because society has taught me that white = wealth, white = class, white = less hassle, so I’ve unconsciously picked partners of a lighter shade in hope that I could somehow attain these qualities; but later, I realise that, although I may not be all of these things, I can work towards attaining them, and my skin colour has nothing to do with it (even though society will somehow make my skin colour be an obstacle).
In addition, my internalised racism, with the help of my “sadness”, has created a level of self-hate where my confidence is a mask and my being is a performance.
Although I advocate the beauty of those who are blessed with a high level of melanin, I, at times, find myself uncomfortable when my naked skin is exposed under a light. I still feel the need to cover my bits even when I stand in front of my partner, turn and lean against the wall to hide the way the stretch-marks on my derrière are more prominent against my dark skin, not to mention the dark patches on my skin where the skin are closer together (e.g my knees/elbows etc). These are the things I try to love but its hard when the media is telling you you’re only a sub-culture or a trend but never a wholesome being.
In dating someone white, I find myself questioning why they are actually with me. I start to find other white people and match them. I look at my round nose and find myself matching them with someone with a more slender and symmetrical nose. This is how deep my internalised racism has reached, where I feel unworthy to be loved based on the shape of my nose.
This is not a post for me to fish for your compliments or for you to tell me things about the beauty of my skin like I don’t already know them. This is a post for you to recognise your position and how you allow levels of racism to exist. This is a post for you to understand how racism doesn’t have to be verbal or physical for it to exist, for the internalisation of it is a toxic existence that harms the individuals mental state. But most importantly, this is a post for me to recognise my own internalised racism and begin the journey of tackling it. I am worthy of love and I am worthy of blessings, my skin will have nothing to do with it.