How internalised racism takes part in my depression


There’s a lot in the world I get sad about,(and yes, I use to word “sad” so i don’t have to use the D-word). One of them is people’s lack of understanding on how internalised racism works. No, it doesn’t always have to be about a “race thing” all the time, but this “race thing” has been around for so long, that getting rid of it so you can avoid the guilt trip is something I can not let slide so easy.

People have comment multiple times on how I seem to always be dating white people, to this I always come back with:
No, I’ve dated plenty of coloured people“- which is true but since I’m calling myself out on my own internalised racism, this is the equivalent of:
Omg no, my brother’s, neighbour’s, uncle is black“.

This is what society have done to me.

My internalised racism has stopped me from pursuing relationships with people of colour (POC) because society has taught me that white = wealth, white = class, white = less hassle, so I’ve unconsciously picked partners of a lighter shade in hope that I could somehow attain these qualities; but later, I realise that, although I may not be all of these things, I can work towards attaining them, and my skin colour has nothing to do with it (even though society will somehow make my skin colour be an obstacle).

In addition, my internalised racism, with the help of my “sadness”, has created a level of self-hate where my confidence is a mask and my being is a performance.

Although I advocate the beauty of those who are blessed with a high level of melanin, I, at times, find myself uncomfortable when my naked skin is exposed under a light. I still feel the need to cover my bits even when I stand in front of my partner, turn and lean against the wall to hide the way the stretch-marks on my derrière are more prominent against my dark skin, not to mention the dark patches on my skin where the skin are closer together (e.g my knees/elbows etc). These are the things I try to love but its hard when the media is telling you you’re only a sub-culture or a trend but never a wholesome being.

In dating someone white, I find myself questioning why they are actually with me. I start to find other white people and match them. I look at my round nose and find myself matching them with someone with a more slender and symmetrical nose. This is how deep my internalised racism has reached, where I feel unworthy to be loved based on the shape of my nose.

This is not a post for me to fish for your compliments or for you to tell me things about the beauty of my skin like I don’t already know them. This is a post for you to recognise your position and how you allow levels of racism to exist. This is a post for you to understand how racism doesn’t have to be verbal or physical for it to exist, for the internalisation of it is a toxic existence that harms the individuals mental state. But most importantly, this is a post for me to recognise my own internalised racism and begin the journey of tackling it. I am worthy of love and I am worthy of blessings, my skin will have nothing to do with it.


Follow Rules or Follow Passion?

A couple of Sundays back, there was a small meeting with the young people of the church. I think the aim was to inspire each other, to celebrate each other’s achievement in order inspire those “following our footsteps”. It was a great idea simply because it brought together a small community of Fijian youths who live in the UK, so, you know, SOLIDARITY.

With it being in the setting of a church, there were certain tones that attached success to obedience, to God and parents obviously. You couldn’t be where you are, or who you are, if it weren’t for your obedience to your parents and God; and I agreed with this statement to an extent. I did have to give credit to myself for my own choices in this journey. It was bizarre for me to think that I have no part in being the person I am today, actually, I refused to have someone else take credit for my efforts.

I respect my parents to the fullest, with me being raised in a religious environment, I too also respect religion. I sometimes question religion, I mean, who doesn’t right? But I can’t disregard it’s positive influences on some people’s lives. So with that, I will accept that my parents and religion has had a massive impact on my life, from the way you treat people to the way you see life, and I am grateful for that.

However, my life has consisted of some battles with both religion and my parents. Growing up my brothers, in my opinion, were considered the favourites, left me with middle-child syndrome. Because of this, I spent a lot of time alone thinking about how I want to get out of this place, both metaphorically and literally. It’s never a great head-space to be in to think that you were the least favourite. Hopefully this could be argued otherwise. This feeling partly contributed to who I am today. Since I felt like I wasn’t having fun during that time of my life, I thought to find things to enjoy.

I liked art, but a distort type of art that my mother use to refer to as “the devil”. It wasn’t flowers and pacific related art like my older brother did, but who wouldn’t wanna amp up Egyptian gods? This was the first push to my “do what makes you happy” motto.

I took up drama because my grandmother asked me in hope that I become a famous actor. My parents thought maths and business would’ve been a more employable option. But now, my presentation skills are off the hook and I fake-pretend to be a director of a play, coming up with set designs and costumes and stuff; unfortunately my acting didn’t match up.

I wanted to dance, but due to my parents commitment to their religion, there was no way I was going to be shaking my goods to non-christian music, however they did let me try out for dancing auditions and dance in the church, all PG of course. Anyways, as soon as I got to uni, I applied to all the dance societies. Ended up dancing 4 competitions in big places like Sadlers Well and O2 indigo, where even I got to choreograph something (twerking might have also be included but cannot be confirmed). On the topic of uni, in our mindset, it was a safe option to join the army, so my parents advocated for that instead of me going to uni, but it’s me so you know which option I opted for.

I know it may seem that my parents were ‘awful’ for not letting me “follow my dreams”, but you see, the thing is, we came from nothing, my parents just didn’t want me to jump in too deep into something and drown. I could not hold their attitudes and thoughts against them simply because, survival was more important than ‘having fun’. If anything, even with me ‘rebelling’ against their wishes, they were still there every step of the way. My mother who, if I were to say was my rock would be an understatement, she was more like my Jupiter (so like, a really BIG rock). They did teach me how to be respectful, they taught my how to be humble, they taught me how to love others and even to be a strong independent brown boy who is domesticated enough to live in a house with 3 housemates and be able to clean the whole house without their help.

My parents still have issues with my “lifestyle” but I think they are confident in me enough to know that any decisions I’ll make would be good ones. So to whoever is reading this, yes, taking ‘orders’ is good to an extent, just don’t end up selling yourself to a life that you didn’t want. Now, my new motto is “Do what makes you happy, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else“. (I’m pretty sure there’s a movie out there somewhere that has quoted this, but since I’m blanking, I’m going to pretend like I came up with this myself).

You Let Your Mother Sleep in the Cold


Hello people!! Hope Christmas has treated you well and hope you’ve have all enjoyed the company and warmth that came with Christmas. However, for some, they unfortunately didn’t have the same warmth extended to them, both literal and metaphorically.

As Christmas commenced, we sat around the table with smiles and empty stomachs all ready to dig in and share stories. Empty plates became full and empty stomach slowly start to get filled. But as we sat and talked, my mother told us a story about the homeless woman she met during her last minute Christmas eve shopping.

As she was walking, a lady stopped her to ask her for money. My mom than stops and asks her “Will you be spending this money on alcohol later?”, the lady replied “No”. Turns out she just came back from her daughter’s HOUSE to give the present she had for her granddaughter, a present she used all the money she just begged for to get. Stunned by her reply, my mom then asks “how come they didn’t invite you in to spend Christmas with them?”. Saddened, the lady said that her son-in-law was not comfortable to have her in the house because of her “state” (yes, please be angry at the son-in-law with me). So with that she was let back into the cold whilst her daughter and son-in-law enjoy the joys of Christmas with their daughter.

It was here we paused, dumbfounded on how someone would let their mother roam the cold streets during Christmas simply because of her “state”. She raised that woman, she carried her for nine months, she tried her best to provide for her, but now? Now she’s pushed back out like an unwanted pet? It was just so heartbreaking.

Sometimes I feel like this western world I live in is so advanced, but then sometimes I question if moral is something that still exists? In our culture, parents are praised and highly respected, no matter how in-the-wrong they may be. Sure you can judge how that relationship works, but I can assure you never in our life would we let our mother enter a home just to go back out to being homeless. Things are different here. Yes, things are more complex. But what tells you that it was OK to let your mother continue to be homeless on a day like Christmas? Was the idea of spending money on an extra person too much for you? Like, I just don’t understand it. Is this how the west treat those who raise them? As if they’re disposable trash? Just think about that for a second. There may be family complications in the past, things might’ve happened, but it was Christmas for Pete’s sake! Even now my heart goes out for the woman who had nothing to provide something for her granddaughter. Wherever she is, may she find peace in this world, with herself and her family; and may the family that pushed her out realise their mistake and take actions immediately, because this is not the kind of world I want to be living in, where we treat our family as unwanted baggage.

Guys, love one another. Don’t let pride come between you and those you once loved. Life is too short to be treating those close to you like this.

I hope you all have a brilliant year next year, filled with love, care and peace. Stay blessed my fellow humans.

Merry belated Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Why Mo’ana should be your daughter’s feminist icon!


YAY! After finally using my 3 year old nephew as an excuse to go watch Mo’ana, I have finally ruled Mo’ana as THE best feminist icon amongst the Princesses of Disney; and yes, your daughter should look up to her as an aspiring independent woman. “Why?” you may ask, well sit tightly because I’m about to give you at least 5 reasons on why she should be the home-girl to your children.

  1. She decides what her future holds

With her tradition and culture on the line, there were some social obligations that she had to abide to. Although these were something important, she did feel she was made for something different. So without any disrespect, she decided to pursue the dream within her. Your children were made for something great, but the word ‘great’ will mean something different for each kid. As long as they’re doing what makes them happy, they will be doing that ‘great’ thing they were made for.

2. No damsel in distress over here

Instead of the usual, prince saves princess, Mo’ana upped it a notch by saving a demi-god, A DEMI-GOD!! Like hello, who is Prince Charming even? A young girl who was off on an adventure to save her island and culture comes to meet a demi-god low in self-esteem and manages to help him realise his own potential without the acceptance from others.

3. Self-taught canoe sailor

Name me a princess that was able to find a canoe and teach herself how to sail across aggressive oceans with a confused chicken as comfort? Hmm? No one? Well there you go. Your child should be inspired by her initiative. No need for them to wait and learn something they want to learn from someone else, when they themselves can go out into the world and learn it for themselves. Life is like that, so, do it for you kids!!!

4. Never a giver upper

There was a scene where Maui, the demi-god, wanted to give up simply because his magic hook was close to being broken. As she nearly came to giving up herself, the spirit of her grandmother pushed her to continue without the help of a demi-god. A young, female human took on the challenge to fight against the demon of the earth without any help. If her perseverance doesn’t spark something in your child, then shake them a bit, maybe they’re broken.

5. ” I am Moana of Motusi. You will board my boat and restore the heart to Tafiti

Mo’ana had one job, to find Maui, get him on her boat, and save her island; OK, maybe more than one. So on the first instance of meeting Maui, she was on the ball on what she came to do. No faffing about, no distractions, she got to the point. Don’t let your daughter be the passive woman everyone expects her to be. Lets her demand what she wants and get it, within good reason of course.

So ye, these are my reasons on why she beats all the other Princesses of Disney. They’re all pretty and that, but none of them sailed across the ocean, fought coconuts, and calmed a demon all in barefoot. Take your kids to go watch it, yes, both sons and daughters, let them singalong, let them laugh but most importantly, let them board the boat of Mo’ana of Motunui and learn something about restoring their hearts.

It’s the Small Things


It’s funny how so many of us complain about the ‘bad’ things that we come across; how ‘unfair’ life has been, how nothing just seems to be going your way, how no matter how hard you try, you still don’t receive even half its reward. Ye, sure, it sucks, I myself should know because lately life hasn’t been dealing me the best of cards.

As I sit in my underwear just thinking about how my life is looking at the moment, I wonder what it would be like if ever one thing went right. Would I still be the same person? Would I be doing something different? Would I have met the people that I’ve met? And that’s when it hit me. I don’t want to regret meeting the people I have met. I don’t want to take back the fun memories I have shared with these people, the events, the laughs, the deep conversations. Who would I be without them?

Sometimes we complain about life, and sure, it’s OK to do so I guess. I mean who wants to wait six years to receive a degree he’s already finished right? Not me that’s for sure. Anyways, back to me pondering. I now am more aware of the little things that have gotten me through all these ‘trials’ as I call it. My family who for some reason I can never shake off because no matter how much I mess up, they just seem to be there loving me. My friends, who even in a different country, still manage to message and virtually slap me with some senses. The new friends, who after a small time of knowing them, have already known enough to know that they were meant to be in my journey.

My heart ache and general pain towards my life have also led me to notice the little things that makes me smile. Even with a heartbreak in the back of my mind (or heart even), I still find the elderly couple sharing funny pet videos on the train adorable. Even with struggling to find an ‘adult’ job, I’m enjoying my time as a bartender, talking to customers and just being in that social environment. Even with wishing some good news would come my way, I am enjoying this moment of my life, where I am learning more about myself and how appreciating the small things can go a long way.

So, yes, maybe you do deserve life to be kinder to you. But if you think it’s still being a bit rough on you, just think, a diamond is never at its perfect shape without some major friction; so just consider these little rough moments as life’s friction to turn you into that engagement-type-diamond where at the end, people can show you off. Just be patient, let life go through its process with you, till then, appreciate the little things. It makes the journey more bearable that way.